One of the most common situations I see members of my congregation struggling with is how to deal with worldly friends. Among the most difficult is the one where a person has “old friends” from before they became a believer, or “friends” at work they enjoy spending time with, for a variety of reasons. We may even love some unbelievers. I think that’s a fair statement, given some unbelievers we know are members of our immediate families. And yet, we have direct statements in the Bible that make us scratch our heads.
You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”?
– James 4:4-5
The “world” which James is referring to is the system built by man in alignment with the kingdom of darkness on Earth. The “god of this world” (2 Corinthians 4:4) encourages it, of course. This “world” is designed to satisfy “the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life” (1 John 2:16). To befriend it implies to abide in it, willingly. This is a first order betrayal of our relationship with the Lord.
So, does this mean we ought to jettison all our friends and even loved ones who aren’t believers the very next day after we, ourselves, are saved? Of course not. A perfect example is within the divine institution of marriage, where one spouse becomes a believer after they marry, while the other remains unsaved (note: believers are prohibited from marrying unbelievers in the first place – 1 Corinthians 7:39).
If any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
– 1 Corinthians 7:12-14
God will use the believing spouse as an evangelist in the household. Are we to suppose they must stop spending time with their unbelieving spouse, or even their unbelieving children? May it never be!
The key aspect on the topic of separation is your heart. You don’t need to be physically separate from unbelievers to be holy in their presence. The call for God’s children is to remain separate from the kingdom of darkness, which is where unbelievers live. Sin pollutes us, it contaminates our atmosphere. We must be very careful how we interact with it, especially when it is emanating from those we have affections for.
We still have a human flesh, and sin is intoxicating to it. It’s dangerous for us just to breathe it in. We must stand firm in our faith. We must know our enemies.
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.
– 1 Peter 5:8-9
The Bible clearly states that we are to expose “unfruitful works of darkness” (Ephesians 5:6-11). Light is truth. When shined into darkness, it reveals the trappings hiding in the shadows. To willingly suppress the light in you is to invite the darkness into your own soul, which is tantamount to you embracing it (being friendly with it). Instead, we must carry the light with us at all times, cautious not to fall headlong into sin.
But you are not in darkness, brothers, for that day to surprise you like a thief. For you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness. So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, are drunk at night.
– 1 Thessalonians 5:4-7
I am often asked by folks struggling to find the right balance between friendliness and friendship, “What should I do?” My response usually focuses on the heart and the motivation we have towards unbelievers. For starters, the answer isn’t to hack off every relationship we have with unbelievers the moment we’re saved. I mean, even Jesus dined with prostitutes and tax collectors for the sake of their salvation.
As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, “Follow me.” And he rose and followed him. And as Jesus reclined at table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were reclining with Jesus and his disciples. And when the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” But when he heard it, he said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”
– Matthew 9:9-13
How could we ever fulfill The Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20) if we ran away from all contact with unbelievers? We couldn’t. Jesus didn’t. So, there’s a difference between friendliness and friendship. The prior implies an evangelistic mission, whereas the latter implies soulish harmony. We must guard our hearts always.
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.
– Proverbs 4:23
Paul’s words on this topic of friendships are extremely helpful.
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.”
– 2 Corinthians 6:14-18
Paul made five distinctions regarding our relationships with unbelievers in this passage that help us understand what “friendship with the world” (James 4:4) is and what it means to “be separate from [unbelievers]”: moral behavior (righteousness vs. lawlessness – v14), Biblical knowledge (light vs. darkness – v14), authority-orientation (Christ vs. Satan – v15), faith (believer vs. unbeliever – v15), and worship (God vs. idols – v16).
Separation must be understood through a Biblical lens (Romans 12:2). We cannot employ knee jerk reactions to strong statements from God’s Word; rather, we must pursue wisdom (James 1:5). This is where sanctification comes in (John 17:17). Wisdom takes time. What you’ll find is that the Lord changes your heart. As this happens, you’ll begin to see your affections for others change. No longer will you desire to relate to unbelievers at their level. Instead, you will transcend their fleshly condition, expose their darkness, and be motivated to evangelize them, praying for their conversion. No longer will your selfishness prevail; rather, you will selflessly desire deliverance for loved ones before it’s too late (Hebrews 9:27).
You see, it’s best for both you and your unbeliever friends that you separate from them in this way. Do not fear losing a friend in this lifetime; rather, strive to gain one for all eternity!
Love in Christ,
Ed Collins