The human tongue possesses power beyond measure. It can both bless and curse. It can also heal or cut deep wounds that leave scars for the remainder of a person’s life. We must learn to wield it wisely.
Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
– James 3:4-8
There’s ample Holy Scripture written warning us of the abuse our own tongues can produce. However, this blog is about being on the receiving end.
We humans are naturally adept at hurting each other with the things we say; however, the same cannot be said about healing from hurtful words – this is a learned skill.
Thank God for the Bible, where we can learn how to forgive one another. Forgiveness is at the root of every healthy relationship (I amplify this whenever I perform a marriage ceremony). Let’s be honest, though, while we may become proficient at forgiving others, the wound often stings for a while. Hurtful words persist, especially when our visual memories remain and we can still see the vitriol on someone’s face as they delivered them up. If only there was a way for the sting to be reduced. Well, there is – it’s called empathy.
We’re all sinners who have hurt others with our words. Most of us can recall a time where we said, “Oh, I’m so sorry, that came out too strong,” or “I take back what I said the other day to hurt you – I was angry.” The truth is that words can never be “unsaid” …once they are out there, they take permanent residence in all who heard them. While forgiveness may cover them, our memories remain. It’s horrible knowing that others remember our hurtful words because we can’t do anything to take them back, even though our hearts ache for that very thing!
Remember your own feelings of regret after you’ve cut someone deeply with your words the next time the roles are reversed. It will go a long way towards healing from the wounds they’ve inflicted on you.
Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others.
– Ecclesiastes 7:21-22
We must remember our own weakness after receiving painful blows from others. We’ve all failed miserably in this area and regretted it afterwards. Have mercy on your attackers (a la Luke 6:35) as Jesus, Himself, did when He uttered, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). This special type of empathy will soften the impact of hurtful words.
Understanding is among the most powerful weapons we have against sinful behavior. We’re all sinners, after all. Mercy implies absorbing the blows of others. Jesus is our great example.
King David, a man after God’s own heart (Acts 13:22), is another great example of what I’m writing about here.
When King David came to Bahurim, there came out a man of the family of the house of Saul, whose name was Shimei, the son of Gera, and as he came he cursed continually. And he threw stones at David and at all the servants of King David, and all the people and all the mighty men were on his right hand and on his left. And Shimei said as he cursed, “Get out, get out, you man of blood, you worthless man! The LORD has avenged on you all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose place you have reigned, and the LORD has given the kingdom into the hand of your son Absalom. See, your evil is on you, for you are a man of blood.”
Then Abishai the son of Zeruiah said to the king, “Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over and take off his head.”
But the king said, “What have I to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah? If he is cursing because the LORD has said to him, ‘Curse David,’ who then shall say, ‘Why have you done so?’” And David said to Abishai and to all his servants, “Behold, my own son seeks my life; how much more now may this Benjaminite! Leave him alone, and let him curse, for the LORD has told him to. It may be that the LORD will look on the wrong done to me, and that the LORD will repay me with good for his cursing today.”
– 2 Samuel 16:5-12
David was aware of his own sins and that Shimei had a valid gripe against him. Did it excuse Shimei’s actions? No. However, understanding where they were coming from provided David with understanding and even empathy. As such, instead of killing him (as king, he had that right), he let him be. And while exercising that control, David also mentions that the Lord Himself could’ve been using Shimei as a part of David’s curse for his own sins.
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.
For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
– 1 Peter 3:8-12
I know what I’m writing here is not the easiest strategy to take when someone is railing against you, intentionally trying to hurt you with their words. It takes time to develop the presence of mind to absorb someone else’s venom while it’s happening. Sometimes, we must walk away in stunned silence and then apply this type of ointment to the soul. It’s fine if our first reaction to an attack is to go into survival mode. However, once delivered from direct fire, consider what I’ve written here. Take a deep breath and remember how many times it was you on the other side, staring down the scope of a rifle set on someone else’s heart.
Remember your own regret and sadness when you’ve hurt someone and apply that sentiment to the benefit of someone who’s taken a shot at you. Empathy goes a long way towards healing a wounded heart, starting with yours.
Love in Christ,
Ed Collins